25 Signs You Have Grown Up

Internet pop quiz on the occasion of my thir…
Of my birthday.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
Yes and yes – though that’s only cos I chuck out the ones that die.
SCORE: 1/25

2. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
Never.
SCORE: 1/25

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
Yes, mostly. During the week, certainly. Worse, I own my fridge. Almost. Bought it from Farmers on HP.
SCORE: 2/25

4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
Nope, but never did. More likely to get in at 4 or 5 from a decent night on the tiles with the trouble’n’strife, and I never get up before 7 if I can possibly help it.
SCORE: 2/25

5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
Hmm, on reflection, no. Not my favourite song(s). But with the caveat that I have long had a soft spot for piped softrock anyway.
SCORE: 2/25

6. You watch the Weather Channel.
Never heard of it. Is that American?
SCORE: 2/25

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up”.
Yes, well… I can see this on the horizon, so I’ll concede half a point here.
SCORE: 2.5/25

8. You go from 130 days of holidays to 20.
No. Jesus, I don’t remembers ever having 130 days holiday. I get 20 now, but I had to fight to even get that…
SCORE: 2.5/25

9. Jeans and a jersey no longer qualify as “dressed up”.
No. In fact, my most dressed up outfit is precisely that: jeans and a jersey. Except my Hallensteins suit. But that’s strictly a work thing. And very infrequent at that.
SCORE: 2.5/25

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
Okay, yes. Last time I was involved with noise control it was me calling them, not having them called on me… But that was cos we had a rat-infested junkie den downstairs, the inhabitants of which insisted on playing Jethro Tull and Manic Street Preachers so loud it shook our bedroom floor at 2am on a Tuesday. Plus, I’ve pretty much canned my plans for a birthday party this year cos I can’t think of a venue that won’t create noise problems for the neighbours. Considerate, me.
SCORE: 3.5/25

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
No, thankfully. Who wrote this thing?
SCORE: 3.5/25

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
Heh heh, no way. A car is not a status symbol, it’s a form of transport, to be used as sparingly as possible. Only w*nkers would get into debt to buy a fancy car. But I do have insurance.
SCORE: 3.5/25

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
No. No dog. No McDonalds. Science Diet? No, no. But dogs are cute.
SCORE: 3.5/25

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
Yes. But no fair – it always did… It also makes your head hurt, cos generally you only do it when you’re well mashed and in a foreign city.
SCORE: 4.5/25

16. You take afternoon naps from noon to 6 pm.
No, but that does sound real nice.
SCORE: 4.5/25

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
Sometimes. Half a point.
SCORE: 5/25

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
Yes. That sounds gross.
SCORE: 6/25

19. If you’re a woman, you go to the chemist for ibuprofen and antacid, not
condoms and pregnancy tests.

Nope, not a woman… Anyway, I tend to buy my panadol and condoms from the supermarket.
SCORE: 6/25

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
Okay – let’s assume this is an American quiz, written at some point before Dubya f*cked the greenback, so the $4 wine would equate to up to NZ$10 today. Hmm, I’d have to concede a point here. A $10 is drinkable, but not ‘good’. Definitely spending more on quality alcohol these days.
SCORE: 7/25

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
Yep, always did.
SCORE: 8/25

22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
No, on a technicality. I’ll happily admit to using the first phrase, but I was never reckless or delusional enough to use the second anyway.
SCORE: 8/25

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
Um, no.
SCORE: 8/25

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
Yes. Of course.
SCORE: 9/25

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your sorry old butt. SO TRUE! *&$#^$
No, you stupid lame-ass email quiz ending!
SCORE: 9/25

Actually, I just noticed there are only 24 questions here – there’s no number 12. So, 9 out of 24, 37.5%, that’s not so bad…

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